Bored Out Of My Mind!

For the past week I have been bored out of my mind! This week is as uneventful as the last. In fact it's more uneventful because I can't even find an event worth making fun of! I should have stayed on vacation!

Anyway, when times like these persist, there are but two things I can do; shop and stir up controversy. And since I'm shopping online already, I would like to stir up some controversy. So last week, as you'll remember, I mentioned a birthday party that I wouldn't be caught dead attending (Speidi's). Well Saige on the other hand, being the ultra socialite that she is, was more than delighted to attend. Not only was she there, but she immediately posted the pictures she took at the party on Facebook. She has since removed them (most likely in light of Heidi's much made fun of performance at the Miss Universe Pageant - as if they weren't already embarassing enough to be seen with) but trust me, the pics were up and they were pathetic.

As sad as it was that she went, at least she looked decent. She came a long way from her dumpy, birkenstocky get up and I'm proud of her. She was wearing a dress by Haute Hippie with a pair of L.A.M.B. heels and some Nicole Miller earrings.

Before Summer Is Officially Over

I always hate when I go shopping in the middle of summer and I see that fall has already arrived at my favorite stores. Of course it doesn’t bother me too much because that means I can start shopping for the next season! It does however make me want a vacation as soon as possible.

Unfortunately I had so many fabulous things to attend to that I just couldn’t get away… until now. So I write to you -my faithful and jealous followers- from my exclusive and anonymous retreat.

And to tell you the truth it couldn’t have been timed better. The only thing going on in town this week -aside from the usual premiers- was a very negligible birthday party. My publicist, who is also Speidi’s publicist, begged me to go to Spencer’s birthday. I said who? and I left it at that. I do know Heidi from my charity for aspiring teen socialite’s but I have long since forgotten about her. Anyway I sent my gift - a pair of Harajuku pumps - that I’m sure they’ll both enjoy since they are one person, along with my most insincere regrets.

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I love getting away and not missing anything!

Roast Saige

So where was I...

Ah yes, I was telling all about The Roast of Joan Rivers. Well the funniest part of the whole thing was to see how in shambles all the comedians were. Tom Arnold was so drunk he couldn’t get a single joke out without having to roll back the prompter in the middle of it and start over. Mario Cantone went insane for a brief minute and had a seizure while being possessed by the premature ghost of Joan Rivers -I was so frightened I nearly called an exorcist. Hopefully Carl Reiner was wearing depends because he was sweating and stammering as though he had something extremely embarrassing to be worried about -other than his completely obvious lack of preparation. The other comedians were so negligible I won’t even bother…. Thankfully Joan saved the day and made the whole thing worthwhile.

Anyway, that was last week. This week it seems that someone is comparing themselves to me. Someone incredibly stinky and unfashionable -Saige. She seems to think her social life has come to imitate mine. She can only dream. The special events and exclusive parties that I attend actually exist. I point you to the lack of specificity in her stories as evidence. Never-the-less, I do have a soft spot in my heart for aspiring socialites (even though Saige is far from a teen) so I’m sending her a Mesh Clutch with Swarovski Crystals and some Croc Style Patent Booties.

Roast The Tourists

Oh my my my… How summer does drag on.

If I were a normal Beverly Hills woman, I would be pulling out my hair from all of the frustration caused by the endless sea of tourists rushing in. It’s hard to get a table, it’s hard to get attentive service at any of the boutiques and it’s even hard to cross the street with out being trampled to death!

Thankfully I have plenty of special events and parties to distract me. One such event was last weekend at the CBS studios in Studio City –a place where most tourists never make it, thank god! It was the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers – who I absolutely adore! Rick and I were at a table with Anna Faris in the front row which might have been too close for comfort considering Kathy Griffin was the roast master… What? I know everyone else adores her but she’s uglier than sin and she says nasty things about all my friends.

Anyway I was toting my Alexander McQueen Clutch, and Rocking my new Betsy Johnson Nyla Pumps. Of course I was the best dressed there especially when compared to Kathy. For more dish on the roast you’ll have to tune in next week because I have other things to do and a little suspense never hurt anyone.

Coai!

Hide Your Valuables

So I was on my favorite world news and current events site the other day (dlisted.com) and I read something so frightening that I just about fainted! Appearantly Orlando Bloom's house in the Hollywood Hills (which is just around the corner from BH) was broken into and robbed!

Apparently more than 500,000 dollars worth of Jewelry was stolen! It immediately got me thinking of all of my precious valuables that may be in danger of.... dare I say it.... theft! Needless to say I have single items worth more than the total amount stolen from Orlando (which for security reasons wont be mentioned), so I have much more to loose and consequently much more to be afraid of. I could not get my 2 Carat Studs, my Tahitian Pearls, and even my Diva Dream Python Tote out of my mind all day!

Michael K, the writer for dlisted, alluded to the fact that it might have been an inside job. So needless to say I have set up mandatory investigative interviews with each of my staff. This might take all week so until further notice I will be on the hunt and under cover...

Still Recovering......

I'm still recovering from last weekend. What did I do my adoring fans? I went to a pool party of course! And not just any pool party, I went to THEE pool party. Anyone who knows anything about Hollywood knows that there is only one pool to be caught sunbathing at on July 4th. I won't keep you in suspense any longer, I was at the Playboy Mansion!!

Who was there you ask? Of course there were the usuals – Hef and his two twin granddaughters Kristina and Karissa Shannon, Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock, Carmen Electra, Verne Troyer and the list of wash-ups goes on and on.

There were also some fresh new faces -thank god! Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens were there and of course they got into a fight. - If you're a young couple, going to the Playboy Mansion together is relationship suicide! Zac couldn't take his eyes off of whatever set of breasts were passing him at the moment and Vanessa -needless to say- noticed. She got back at him by flirting with Rob Pattinson.

I, on the other hand, had a great time. It seemed like at least a hundred bunnies came up to my husband Rick to tell him how his diet saved their careers. Each one paid a compliment to my outfit. My accessories got the most attention especially my Fornarina Peeptoes, My Blue Raybans and My Sheer Sun Hat. Thanks Ronna!

June Gloom and Martinis

Thank God that this June gloom has finally burned off!

Once again it's pool weather in beautiful Beverly Hills. Not that it really matters to me. I, of course, was always in my lounge chair in my private cabana at the Beverly Hills Hotel, gloom or shine. That said, it will be nice not to have to remember to tell my people to pack my fur and my bubble umbrella.

I conduct all my business poolside and refuse to do it anywhere else because otherwise it feels too much work. Gross. Furthermore, the service here is incomparable! What other office do you know of that you can order the perfect dirty martini during business hours? None!

Anyway, I was working with my assistant Ronna today on our little Viva Swag project thingy when I saw one of my many arch nemeses strutting by my cabana in the Loriblu Denim Wedge I had just put up yesterday on the site! The same pair that I OWN.

How pitiful! She pretends to be above everything I wear and do and yet here she is following my every move! She obviously had them overnighted! When I commented on them she said "oh these old things?" She had the dumbest look I had ever seen on anyone's face so it was obvious she was full of it-even Ronna noticed.

Oh well, imitation is the most annoying form of flattery I suppose.